I questioned every lie you told me through the smirk on your face. You reassured me that my mistrust was simply out of place.
I let down my guard and my walls, I let you step inside. I gave you the keys to my hearts rooms, where all of my secrets reside.
As time passed by and your comfort level outgrew the honeymoon phase. Your words turned to belittlement instead of love and praise.
When you choose over and over, to just let shit slide
One day you’ll wake up to a life that you didn’t design
For every single decision that you chose not to make
Another piece of your life, you’ve allowed them to take
When nothing is wrong
but then again nothing is right
Your wings feel clipped
when you try to take flight
When you can’t sit still
but yet you’ve no energy to move
You wanna dance to the music
but you’ve somehow lost your groove
I passed by the coke machine
and it had a sign affixed to the front of it that read
“Out of Order’…
and honestly .. for a moment ..
I was jealous.
How often those days appear that I wish that I, too,
could affix an “Out of Order” sign on myself
and it be accepted as ok.. be understood ..
A day of no expectations,,
a day where no one asks anything of me
a day to just do Nothing.. to just Be..
A day to fix and replenish myself
until I’m ready to remove the sign
and return back to me
return back to life again ..
No one knows the true me inside
The little girl that I protect and hide
The one that silently cries each night
But each morning gets up ready to fight
I’m simply hanging by a thread
But no one seems to be able to see
I don’t know the woman in the mirror
That’s staring back at me
Going against too many things in life
That insult my heart my mind my soul
Always trying to keep the peace
Has me spinning out of control
Every morning that you wake up
You get to choose who you will be
For yesterday no longer matters
It’s now just a part of your history
To be better, to do better, to feel better
For no one else in this world but you
But William Shakespeare said it best
“To thine own self be true”
Every morning when you wake it’s another turn in this game
Will you set out for new opportunities or simply remain the same
Will you own up to your missteps or find another to take the blame
The beast inside in your own mind is the hardest one to tame
Please quiet the pain of my heart and my brain
The constant noisy bustle is driving me insane
I don’t know how to fix myself, or even how to understand
The constant state of confusion; for all that I am
I’m a mix mash mess up, I can’t seem to follow through
Seems I fuck up everything that I truly want to do.
Putting off, forgetting, getting sidetracked
I feel lost in a swirling maze with no way to get back,
I’m just me. I’m an observer by nature .. I notice everything (even tho I may not say anything .. I also notice its absence..). I overthink and feel everything deeply .. I am a unique being in a copycat world .. and often misunderstood .. And for the first time in my life .. I can say I love who I am .. (and who I’m becoming) in spite of my missteps and imperfections .. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination .. But perfect in my imperfections .. I choose not to fit in .. I’m just me.
Merely Musings of an Old Soul 